KUBO
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: Make something even more ridiculous, and show even less care for the possible consequences of its use. That, apparently, was what Urahara Kisuke had taken away from the Hogyoku incident. I don't own Bleach. Rated for Everything that could possibly get a story bumped up to an M rating. Everything.
1. Chapter 1

**Make something even more ridiculous, and show even less care for the possible consequences of its use. That, apparently, was what Urahara Kisuke had taken away from the Hogyoku incident...**

* * *

**K.U.B.O.  
**

"You told me you were never going to build that machine again…"

"…I say a lot of things…"

"I told you you were never going to build that machine again…"

"It will work this time…I swear…"

"Damn it Kisuke!" It was all Yoruichi could say to restrain herself from punching him out on the spot. She couldn't believe he was doing this. AGAIN. After what happened last time…and the time before that… "I swear to God! You are the dumbest smart person I've ever met!"

That Urahara was a scientific genius Yoruichi never had cause to question. But the man was completely lacking in anything even remotely resembling common sense, and somehow she always got stuck cleaning up the messes that arose from his peculiar mixture of brilliance and bad judgment. The hogyoku incident came to mind. A scientific genius could design a device that turned the wishes of its holder into unlimited power. A man with common sense could tell you all the reasons why such a device should never be built…

"I figured it all out…" the not-quite-mad but not altogether-with-it scientist ignored his companion's displeasure and mused to no one in particular. He didn't even bother lifting his face from the array of gizmos and gadgets occupying his attention as he spoke. "The first prototype went haywire because it couldn't sustain energy output through the flux capacitor at functional levels. The second prototype had a stronger energy source and stable output, but couldn't keep power flows going more than 7 seconds at a time without overheating the continuum transfuction. This design solves the heating problem without sacrificing energy output. I just need to run a few more tests and…"

_SMACK!  
_  
Urahara's explanation was cut short by Yoruichi hauling him out of his work with her right hand and slapping him across the face with her left. Hard. "No tests," she hissed. "Destroy it. Now. And don't ever let me catch you building this thing again."

"…but it works!" Urahara protested and flailed comically in Yoruichi's grasp. A futile endeavor…he couldn't break her grip. "Nothing bad will happen this time…my design is flawless!"

"Kisuke, I'm not even joking…" Yoruichi's arms maneuvered into a chokehold. "I'll knock you out and break it myself if I have to."

"Just…one test…pleassseee?" Urahara begged. "For science…"

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?" Yoruichi tightened her hold and amped up the pressure on the stubborn bastard's throat.

"But…science…"

"You know I could snap your neck right now, right?"

"Do it…" he taunted.

"Don't fuck with me Kisuke…"

"Do it…" he taunted again.

"Are you going to get rid of the machine?"

"…nigga, you trippin…"

_SNAP! !_

…Was the sound Yoruichi expected to here when she twisted Urahara's neck past its breaking point. Instead she heard a popping noise and felt his whole body explode.

_This is…_

"Bakudo 61: Rikujokoro!" the real Urahara had his kido readied before Yoruichi could even finish her thought.

"FUCK!"

"Every time!"Urahara laughed heartily, produced another gigai decoy from a pocket full of soul candy, and pinched it on the cheek. "How do you fall for that every time!?"

The laughter stopped when he saw the image of Yoruichi trapped in his Kido flicker, and saw a flash of black and orange zipping away.

_**Shunpo Shiho no San….oh shit…She's serious... **_

He braced himself for her attack. But the attack never came. Instead the flash of black and orange raced right past him, spirit flaring, making a beeline towards…

_**THE DEVICE!**_ Urahara did a mental double-take.

He had a split second to think things through before a raging blast of Flash Release busted his greatest invention to scraps. He could try running her down and dropping her with a tackle, but he'd never reach her in time. She was too close and her Shunpo was too fast. He could hit her with another binding spell, but she'd just cancel it with compressed kido the moment she released her Shunko...

Then there was the device itself…still untested…

_**Pfffttt…tests. You know it works, **_That nagging voice of self-assurance inside his head told him. _**Do it. Nothing bad will happen.**_

_But…the diagnostics…the fail-safes… _

…_**is what you would have used if she gave you time to prep something proper.**_

_So I'm just supposed to fire it up cold?_

…_**that, or let her smash it. You wanna test? Here's your test.**_

A man of sounder sanity might have been perturbed at the thought of losing an argument to himself. But that nagging voice in his head was right of course. Urahara knew it. Conditions were less than ideal, but Yoruichi's ill temper had forced his hand. It was now or never…

"Yoruichi is a powerless little girl!" Urahaha shouted out. The device heard his shout and pulsed with energy, and in an instant it was done.

The Yoruichi that struck it was a pint-sized child, completely devoid of reitsu and womanly form. Her blow did nothing except make her fist explode with pain on impact against metal plating.

She yelped a high-pitched child's yelp as she clutched her broken hand.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" Yoruichi tried to make her reitsu flare in anger, and quickly discovered there was nothing to flare. Her good hand moved reflexively across her chest, searching for its usual occupants, and confirmed that those too were missing. "WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"…Yoruichi is a powerless little _boy_."

"NO! CHANGE ME BACK!"

"…Yoruichi is a little girl again…"

"BACK TO MY NORMAL FORM, ASSHOLE!"

"…Yoruichi is a little girl who just drank half a liter of Raspberry Bicardi"

"I…don't feel…so…" (STREAMING PROJECTILE VOMIT)

"…Vomit is now sunshine and rainbows…anddddd…blood alcohol is now LSD"

"Ohhhhhhhhh…pretty colors…"

"Sunshine and rainbows is now worms and cockroaches…"

"GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"

"Annnnddddd…back to normal…"

Yoruichi appeared in her regular body looking shocked, confused, and horrified. She shook her head, blinked furiously, and pinched herself to make sure she was lucid. Finally, she risked a glance over at Urahara. He was beaming triumphantly, sporting one of those stupid smug smiles that he usually hid behind his paper fan.

"It works…" he repeated. This time more matter-of-factly. "Kinetic Universal Boundary Obliteration. The technology works."

"Just because it works, doesn't mean it's a good idea," Yoruichi reminded him for the umpteenth time. He never listened. "Hogyoku technology 'worked'. Remember how that ended?"

"So what now…I'm supposed to scrap every invention that could destroy the world if it fell into the wrong hands?"

"YES!" Yoruichi shouted. "STOP MAKING THINGS THAT CAN DESTROY THE WORLD!"

"Why?"

"…Do I really need to explain this to you?" Yoruichi gaped. "Renji!? What do you think of this?"

"…What's that machine do?" The strung-out freeloader crashing on Urahara's couch had only half been paying attention. He had been assigned to the world of the living with Rukia, to keep tabs on Ichigo. In theory, they were both supposed to be staying close to him and reporting back to Soul Society if he did anything too objectionable with his immense power.

In practice Rukia spent the bulk of their mission time having wild and crazy animal sex with her hero boy, while Renji bummed around the Urahara Shop huffing paint thinner and watching trashy daytime television.

"It is a Kinetic Universal Boundary Obliterator," Urahara launched into a technical explanation. "A device which overrules reality boundaries by…"

"It's a machine with high-level reality warping capabilities," Yoruichi cut him off and simplified. "It materializes any outcome the user suggests."

"…what does it do?" Renji asked again.

"Everything." Urahara responded plainly. "Anything."

"Anything?" Renji cocked an eyebrow.

"Anything." Urahara repeated.

"Bullshit.

"Try Me."

"A woman with Rukia's face, Orihime's body, and Yoruichi's experience is blowing me," Renji declared. "In a slutty Sailor Moon costume and whore make up. While Trey Parker sings "Now You're a Man!," Kirk Hammett shreds out a guitar solo, and the ghost of Bob Marley rolls me a spirit joint. And Byakuya high-and-mighty Kuchiki screams bloody murder while getting fucked in the ass by a god-damn pig!"

"Everything Renji just said is happening," Urahara addressed his device. "Right here. Right now."

"Grosssssss," Yoruichi averted her eyes.

"This is a good machine," Renji nodded his approval.

"Annnnd back to normal. 2 to 1," Urahara declared. "Its settled. The machine stays…"

"2-0…I'm out…" Yoruichi shifted into her feline form and stalked away.

"Come on…Yoruichi…don't be like that…" Urahara pouted.

"No…I'm tired of this shit! I know how this is going to end, and I'm not bailing you out the Central 46 this time!"

"Yoruichi has no moral objection to reality warping technology!" Urahara called out to his machine.

"Were we just arguing about something?" Yoruichi shifted back to her womanly form.

"Nope." Urahara grinned.

"Hmmm," Yoruichi glanced curiously at his machine and scowled for a while as though trying to remember something. Renji snickered. Finally she said "It needs a name."

"It does need a name…doesn't it? How about Robo-Jesus?" Renji offered.

"That's a ridiculous name," Yoruichi shook her head.

"Most retarded," Urahara agreed. "I'd rather just call it the Kinetic Universal Boundary Obliterator…" and then inspiration struck. For a moment, Urahara was dumbstruck by his own brilliance. The genius of it! The perfect acronym…"

"K.U.B.O." he said decisively. "This machine that can materialize anything and everything in our reality. I will call it K.U.B.O."

"K.U.B.O." Renji rolled the name of his tongue. "Yeah… It feels right."

" K.U.B.O." Yoruichi spoke the name as well. It did have a nice ring to it. "Such powerful technology. I trust you'll use it responsibly, Kiske."

"Of course," the ever-humble shopkeeper raised his fan and smiled a sly smile. "This machine exists to enhance scientific research and development. It will not be used for any other purpose."

"You promise?"

"You have my word."

* * *

"Where you going Kisuke?" Renji , high-off-his-ass watching late night infomercials at some ungodly hour, was the only one who heard Kisuke firing up K.U.B.O."

"Time Traveling."

""Why?"

"I wanna troll Aizen."

"Aight. Bring me back a T-Shirt..."


	2. Chapter 2

K.U.B.O. (the madness continues...)

"_Make us undetectable, immune to all spiritual powers, and take us back to the Winter War_," Urahara directed K.U.B.O. "_Fake Karakura Town… after Stark and Barrigan were defeated, right before Aizen got serious._"

KUBO complied.

_This is going to be so much fun. _Urahara chortled, as the four pillars of Fake Karakura Town and the ghost armies clashing over them came into view. There was Wonderweiss. Down went Ukitake. Away went the Old Man's flame barrier….annnndddd…out came Kyoga Sugietsu. Right on schedule. Aizen would be feeling pretty cocky right about now. Absolutely certain that he would win the day.

_Lol No. _ Urahara decided. _Reishi is now Skittles…_

The Fake Karakura Town combatants immediately noticed two very peculiar things. None of their spiritual powers were working. And the entire battlefield was suddenly buried in rainbow colored candies.

…_And Godzilla is attacking…_

"OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"

…_And Aizen is 300 feet tall and reeks of lizard feremones…_

"No! NOO!"

…_let's get that on camera…side-view, high def, full lighting on Aizen's face…_

"OH GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Hysterical Sobbing) W-w-w-why is this happening (Hysterical Sobbing).

…_theres the money shot…_

"ARRGGGGG, ITS EVERYWHERE! ITS IN MY BURN WOUNDS!"

_"Yep…We're done here_,_" _Urahara surveyed his handiwork. _ "Take us to Hueco Mundo. Los Nachos…the meeting chambers of Aizen and the Espada, the beginning of their first full assembly."_

The dull white of the Arrancar's stronghold replaced the four pillars of Fake Karakura Town, and the smug cadence of an Aizen speech replaced the panicked cacophony of a Godzilla rampage. Aizen was bringing his A-Game in the art of bullshit; going on-and-on about the merits of his proposed alliance and how he would reward the loyal and the strong. It was his first chance to show strong and convincing leadership in front of his Arrancar Army.

"_Playback video,"_ Urahara directed.

The would-be Espada ceased taking anything Aizen said seriously and laughed their way out of Hueco Mundo, as Aizen's attempt to establish serious leadership was preempted by video of him getting butt-devastated by a 300 foot tall radioactive murder machine and crying like a bitch.

"_Now back to Soul Society; Sokyoku Hill, the day Aizen confessed his treachery and fled Soul Society."_

What a sight! Every senior officer in Soul Society from the Head Captain down had Aizen surrounded. Yoruichi and Soi Fon had blades to his throat. Cornered like a rat, it would seem. And yet there he stood with that cocky smirk and can't-touch-this attitude. Then the light of negacion dropped, and the captain's saw the reason why…

"_There is no negacion," _Uraha decided._ "This technique does not exist."_

Aizen fell out of the sky in a most undignified drop. Yama-Ji's cane was upside his head before he could compose himself.

"What was all that talk about ascending to God's Throne?" the Old Man glowered.

"I assure you, this is all just a big misunderstanding…"

_THWACK! _

"Seal his powers, and find him an empty cell in the Maggot's Nest," the Head Captain commanded as he kido-bound an unconscious Aizen. "For what he has done, it is most fitting that he should rot in Kisuke's prison."

Urahara giggled like a school girl.

"_One more stop. That night 100 years ago when I confronted Aizen over his hollowfication research; the field where I confronted him." _He was looking forward to this one most of all…

The night was exactly as he remembered it. There was Aizen…smug as ever...calmly explaining that he had showed up to help. And there was his past self, saying that he knew Aizen was lying. Oh what a fool he had been! Aizen had predicted his every move and played him like a fiddle. If only he had known then what he knew now; Aizen's secret agenda and the true ability of his zanpakto.

"_Make me visible to them_. _I want to be seen."_

Aizen's usual unflappable mannerisms broke into a WTF!? Face, as for the second time that night Urahara appeared to meddle in his plans.

…looking 100 years older…

…5 meters away, with no prior detection…

…hooked up to a device of such unfathomable complexity and power, Aizen's Hogyoku seemed like a child's toy in comparison…

...In the presence of another Urahara...

"Finally got that hunk of junk working?" Past Kisuke inquired knowingly. He at least understood what was going on. "How'd you fix the overheating?"

"That's for me to know, and you to find out," Future Kisuke quipped.

"How's Yoruichi?"

"Still gorgeous."

"…And Soifon?"

"Still a bitch."

"…And Aizen."

"He gets beaten by a human."

"Brilliant."

"What is the meaning of this, Kisuke?" Aizen had observed long enough. Urahara was trying to psych him out; that much was plain to him. But how? Had the inventor learned of his abilities and built an illusion generator to match even?

"Sosuke Aizen," Future Kisuke tipped his hat and pointed with his pimp cane. "I've come to troll you."

"Troll me?" Aizen laughed and activated his shikai. "You think YOU can troll ME? Why don't you look at my sword…"

"I might not be able to troll you," Future Kisuke mused. "But KUBO can..."

"KUBO?"

"Kyoga Sugetsu is a Big Black Dildo…" Future Kisuke declared and KUBO made it so.

Aizen noticed 3 things at that moment. His hypnosis technique wasn't working. His zanpakto was gone. And he was now holding a large rubber stunt-cock.

Well that was unexpected…

"Gin! Tosen! Kill him!"

"Gin and Tosen don't take orders from you," Future Kisuke declared.

"Your mind games cannot shake their loyalty," poor Aizen still had no idea what he was up against. "Gin! Impale him!"

"…No, I don't think that I will…"

"WHAT!?"

"…Eat a dick, Aizen-sama…"

"U mad?" Future Kisuke taunted.

"Grrrr…" Aizen, tossed his sword-turned-dildo aside and channeled kido to his palms. He was getting frustrated now. "Hado 90: KUROHITSUGI!"

"I'm a Super Saiyan," was Future Kisuke's response.

Aizen's Black Coffin was negated in an overwhelming surge of power, as Future Kisuke's reitsu (which he now had an inexplicable urge to call 'ki') suddenly became 50 times stronger and spiked his hair upwards with a golden glow.

…and then Future Kisuke very casually back-handed Aizen through a mountain.

* * *

If you lol'd, review and tell me what was lulziest.

If you didn't lol, review and tell me that I suck at what I do.


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